I am thin ice, wafer thin ice…
In the Blink of an eye…
Things can change drastically. A pleasant dream can turn into a living nightmare. You can be standing proud and tall, but then knocked down and kicked in the dirt. For me, that “blink” happened on Friday. It was actually a really good day, more or less, when much to my surprise and defeat, I was called in to the VP’s office. I knew my day had taken a turn for the worst when he asked me to close the door. I can still remember the exact line, “Well, it really pains me to tell you that today is gonna be your last day…” The rest is kinda blurred because of the significant effect that first sentence had on me. It was done totally professionally and w/o any malicious intentions. We shook hands, he asked me to keep in touch, apologized that it had to come to this and I was on my way. But still, my life was suddenly flip-turned upside down. And for a good long while, I soaked in it and let it bring me down. It still catches me at times off guard and I fall, because to be honest, this thing is gonna take a little while for me to get over. I fought back the tears, at least until I was in my car and on my way home. But then, I prayed, and a friend of mine even prayed w/ me. I prayed for strength, and understanding, and most of all patience. Why had this happened to me? Why, after everything else that has been brought upon me and my family? And then, I realized that this is just another one of those things…it happens, and there’s nothing that can really be done about it, but keep my head up. And I can easily say, “Screw it all, I give up…,” but I won’t. Far, far worse things have happened in my life less within this past year and this is doesn’t even compare. There is a far bigger picture that I will never see nor be able to comprehend until I come to my last breath in this life. So I will rise above…with a little help from my family and friends, of course. A job is a job, and there are plenty (okay, well maybe not so plenty) out there.
After running my family’s weekly errands, which lasted up until about 11PM Sat night, I was able to get in a workout(earlier in the day) and even go to Starbucks and get some alone time. I think my sister did me some good by trying to keep me busy, but I would eventually be alone with my thoughts, and it’s important that I need to be, because I need to figure out how I am going to do things over the next few months, until I am blessed w/ some stability again. Maybe it was a sign, that I should come back home home (although I have my own personal protestations about that) for a while and help more with my family, and not just the weekends. I guess I’ll have to see how things pan out. My sister mentioned to me that for a family that’s been through all that we have so far, we have gotten through it all. And again, I think it’s mom who is one of the strongest people I have ever ever known, and this is no exaggeration. And sometimes, it takes the hardest times to prove one’s true character and strength. It’s tough to explain how crazy things get around here, but I can see that it was in God’s plan that my mom be with my dad, because it shows…the patience she has with him, the endless strength she has in taking care of things when I was at work, and especially because he gets so frustrated and sometimes cannot control his temper and expression, all he does is yell. And I can’t stress how difficult it is for me to see my dad like that. I try to put myself into his situation, and try to imagine his complete and utter frustration. And I have these dreams, dreadful dreams about another stroke, and things I dare not even mention. And there are other things I haven’t even mentioned… Sometimes I feel like I am so alone and that no one can help, because I can’t even do anything to help. And it almost never fails to bring tears to my eyes…argh…enough. If I have learned anything thus far, it’s this: 1)You are NEVER truly alone, God is always there…always, and 2) Constantly reiterate to myself and those loved ones around me to try and never ever EVER take anything for granted, as hard as we can. There are far more blessings in our lives than we are aware of, and we focus far too much of our time on the things we shouldn’t, so take the time to pick them out of the picture…
This who family situation is some test, and I think one of the biggest things that make me weak sometimes. Thank goodness for all those people who have been there for me during these trying times, I am eternally indebted to you. This is very personal stuff to blog about, and I know other people read this, so please don’t think I’m going all basket-case on you or anything, but I just really needed to express myself. But I think I’ve generally been quite open w/ my posts, and by not doing so, the whole purpose for this to me would be completely useless…and again, as usual, this is MY site.
"For I know the thoughts that I think toward you, saith the Lord, thoughts of peace, and not of evil, to give you an expected end."
-Jeremiah 29:11
In the Blink of an eye…
Things can change drastically. A pleasant dream can turn into a living nightmare. You can be standing proud and tall, but then knocked down and kicked in the dirt. For me, that “blink” happened on Friday. It was actually a really good day, more or less, when much to my surprise and defeat, I was called in to the VP’s office. I knew my day had taken a turn for the worst when he asked me to close the door. I can still remember the exact line, “Well, it really pains me to tell you that today is gonna be your last day…” The rest is kinda blurred because of the significant effect that first sentence had on me. It was done totally professionally and w/o any malicious intentions. We shook hands, he asked me to keep in touch, apologized that it had to come to this and I was on my way. But still, my life was suddenly flip-turned upside down. And for a good long while, I soaked in it and let it bring me down. It still catches me at times off guard and I fall, because to be honest, this thing is gonna take a little while for me to get over. I fought back the tears, at least until I was in my car and on my way home. But then, I prayed, and a friend of mine even prayed w/ me. I prayed for strength, and understanding, and most of all patience. Why had this happened to me? Why, after everything else that has been brought upon me and my family? And then, I realized that this is just another one of those things…it happens, and there’s nothing that can really be done about it, but keep my head up. And I can easily say, “Screw it all, I give up…,” but I won’t. Far, far worse things have happened in my life less within this past year and this is doesn’t even compare. There is a far bigger picture that I will never see nor be able to comprehend until I come to my last breath in this life. So I will rise above…with a little help from my family and friends, of course. A job is a job, and there are plenty (okay, well maybe not so plenty) out there.
After running my family’s weekly errands, which lasted up until about 11PM Sat night, I was able to get in a workout(earlier in the day) and even go to Starbucks and get some alone time. I think my sister did me some good by trying to keep me busy, but I would eventually be alone with my thoughts, and it’s important that I need to be, because I need to figure out how I am going to do things over the next few months, until I am blessed w/ some stability again. Maybe it was a sign, that I should come back home home (although I have my own personal protestations about that
This who family situation is some test, and I think one of the biggest things that make me weak sometimes. Thank goodness for all those people who have been there for me during these trying times, I am eternally indebted to you. This is very personal stuff to blog about, and I know other people read this, so please don’t think I’m going all basket-case on you or anything, but I just really needed to express myself. But I think I’ve generally been quite open w/ my posts, and by not doing so, the whole purpose for this to me would be completely useless…and again, as usual, this is MY site.
"For I know the thoughts that I think toward you, saith the Lord, thoughts of peace, and not of evil, to give you an expected end."
-Jeremiah 29:11
posted by lil jay at
2:05 AM
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